Silly Cycle Jerseys

Maybe silly isn't the right word for the jerseys I'm going to babble about. A silly cycle jersey might be one made of a material entirely unsuitable for purpose. For example, a paper cycle jersey (while good at blocking the wind on descents, for a while anyway) would be a silly cycle jersey; it wouldn't wash very well and the wicking properties are at best questionable. No, the more I think of it, the more I realise the jerseys I'll bore you about with my prattling barely related nonsense aren't silly.I suppose they're more flippant. That's not to be confused with flippant the bird, a practice one shouldn't undertake even with the most arrogant of drivers (unless one wishes said driver to turn round and drive over one).

Was there a reason or point to this? Barely and I'll struggle to make it with a series of terrible puns and vaguely related/disjointed paragraphs. Have fun reading...

Does a cycle jersey say much about the person wearing it? I'm not sure. I guess it does as much as general day to day clothing. Possibly more. In fact, almost definitely more. If pressed (I'm so sick of strangers constantly asking my opinion on cycle jersey purchasing) I'd say, for most, there's a more proactive process in buying and wearing cycle clothing than with general clothes. Perhaps I'm too subjective on this subject because I probably put more thought into my cycle clothing purchases than my general garb. In my case it's partly because my cycling ensembles tend to be more expensive than my normal clothing. That's not to say my cycling attire is of the highest quality and price. It's not. I'm an equal opportunities tightwad cheapskate in all walks of life.

In summary, it's safe to say one's cycle jersey says something about him/her. What is this something it says?

As usual, all I can do is write from personal experience or the shared experiences of friends. As I have no friends, that narrows it down to personal experience. When I started cycling as an adult (see old posts like this for some boredom about that subject) I was a bit of a moron when it comes to cycle clothing. At first, I didn't want 'Stupid looking Lycra shorts' or anything like that. After getting more into cycling and buying a second hand Peugeot road bike (which I still have a soft spot for but never use nowadays) I realised wearing activity appropriate clothing was a good move. Let the ne'r-do-wells scoff at me all they like.

Initially I deliberately bought very plain jerseys etc. I was very much of the opinion that 'I'm not going to wear any team stuff because I'm not a competitive cyclist and, even if I was, I wouldn't be at the level of the pros and shouldn't wear their stuff'. While I'm no faster or more competitive than I was and am more aware than ever of the huge gap in fitness between me and professional cyclists, I've since bought a few team jerseys. At the time, I also thought drivers might think 'Aye, there's one of those Lycra clad wannabe cycle race b@5t@rd5' and didn't want anyone behind the wheel of a potential battering ram to show any more bitterness toward me than was absolutely necessary. Come to think of it, I still reckon some motorists might be a bit that way. I am, however, of the opinion people with such attitudes will look for something to aggravate them in anything. There's no winning with some people.

Something which put me off wearing team kit was an example of my own snideness. We were passing a guy in a Fassa Bortolo kit one day. He was less than slim and I commented (only to the passenger in the car) 'Fatty Bartolo' (I was throwing stones and risked breaking the glass in my own house). It made me think 'If I'm a snide enough twat to say that, what could I expect passing motorists to shriek out the window at me?'. Not being a fan of random abuse, I shied away from such clothing for a while. I still don't wear much team kit but, at the same time, I like watching the Pro Tour and now see no reason not to wear associated clothing. I'm evidently less snide and more confident than I once was.

'What does any of this rubbish have to do with silly or flippant cycle jerseys?' you ask (if you're still reading). If you did ask that, you've made a good point. I have wittered rather. It's not much of a post really; it's merely about my penchant for more flippant cycle jerseys. I order a couple of Foska Simpsons themed jerseys (from Evans Cycles) today and it made me think 'I'm partial to a bit of silly jersey'. I should have thought 'I'm partial to a bit of a flippant jersey'. The jerseys I ordered were the Kwik-E-Mart short sleeve and the Duff Beer long sleeve. They're hardly especially zany shirts to wear and I wouldn't wear t-shirts of them in my day to day life (admittedly this makes little sense) but here's hoping they're a good fit and look well. I suppose, going back to an earlier point, part of the reason (in addition to my simply liking them) in getting such jerseys is in the (vain?) hope some motorists might think 'Ach, he's just some spud out to have fun on his bike. I'll not bother running over him'.

I also bought a half price token from the Bike Radar Daily Deal thingamajig to get a jersey off the Half Baked Brand website. That's what started all this off today and led to my looking at (and then buying) the Foska jerseys. I really shouldn't sign up for special offer e-mails. They end up costing me a lot. I'm not sure which jersey to get from Half Baked Brand. I'd have liked the long sleeve Milking It! jersey but it's only available in enormous sizes and I'm a wretched little pune. The short sleeve Milking It! is good but I wish it didn't have the words 'Milking It!' on the back. The green Milking It! (which reminds me a little of Sky's Tour de France ensemble) doesn't have the words on the back but I think I might prefer the white jersey (although the green appeals to me more as I keep looking at it). The white jersey is probably more noticeable and that's something worth taking into account, although the green isn't exactly subtle itself. Another option, which would be less selfish, would be to get my good lady the pink Milking It! jersey. Oh such awful high pressure decisions! The more I look at them, the more I think any of them would be good.

Whichever I pick (with the exception of my showing an unusual generosity and choosing to get a top for not me) it can join my Tunnocks Teacakes, various Primal and Northwave jerseys and whatever other associated tat I pull round my unfit form and sweat profusely in.

Ultimately the jersey means most to the wearer and much less than the wearer. It doesn't help me go faster or get fitter but it might increase my enjoyment in giving it a bash.

NB Believe it or not, this wasn't entirely an excuse to show a picture of a lady with her painted bosoms on display. I had started blethering on long before I found the picture.